Dear Dogs:
When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints (the ones on the floor) are yours and contain your food. The other dishes (the ones on the table) are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and /or food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar, and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggie sarcasm. (And just imagine this…some dogs actually sleep on the floor! GASP!!!)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. Nor are my slippers and/or shoes chew toys.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, howl, bark, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years all by myself; canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is…kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
1. The dog lives here. You don’t!
2. If you don’t want the dog hair on your clothes, stay off of the furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she’s a dog. To me, she’s an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak very clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, are more loyal and loving, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the puppies.